Understanding G.I. Joe

If you recall, earlier in the summer I spoke about how I felt I was out of the GI JOE demographic and I felt terrible for not wanting to see it. Well I guess I couldn't live with myself because under the cover of dahkness I rented it from netflix. So, after a totally un-successful weekend campaign to convince my friends to watch G.I. Joe, I was forced to finish the film by myself on a small screen as the hours of the weekend waned away on Sunday night.

What I found surprised me, not in a "wow, this movie is going to win best picture way" but more in a "this is one of the most bat-shit crazy movies I've ever seen way." It's full of wild destruction of landmarks, secret underwater bases in the the Sahara, and cameos from people from "The Mummy" movies, and yes I'm talking about Brendan Frasier and ImmmmmoooooTep. The action was reasonably well directed, Stephen Sommers has stepped his game up since "Van Helsing," but the whole thing just felt very surreal.

It hovered in a space between violent and cartoon spectacle, which is exactly where you don't want to be. "Transformers" is all spectacle, "Saving Private Ryan" is all violent, and this is like Saving Private Ryan, but with evil sharks and nanotechnology robots eating people's brains. So I guess, my initial gut reaction was correct, I should have avoided GI JOE, it just was too much for me. And now that I'm old, I can't handle it all.

GI.....Doug....Liman or the amazing true story of how a hollywood action director saved the day.

ACTION HERO?

Here I was prepping a "G.I. Joe" post and BAM thanks to the web site Deadline Hollywood Daily this gem of a real life action movie sequence hits me like an accelerator suit punch to the stomach. It appears that Doug Liman, the director of the first (and 2nd best) Bourne movie saved some lives yesterday on the Hudson river. As a lover of all things exciting and fantastic, this story is pretty damn rad. I mean it would be cooler if Liman was being chased by religious dudes in red hats in Venice, but I'll take New York any day.

Apparently Liman and his producer/fellow adventurer Avram Ludwig (classic sidekick name) were sailboating on the Hudson, when they saw a speedboat collide with a tanker (no big deal, y' know). They swooped in and rescued the survivors (of the speedboat). You can check out the whole story complete with in-correctly named movie titles here. 

It's also worth mentioning that the Hudson River seems to be the go to place for real life high drama. Let's not forget good ol Captain Sully and his daring landing on the Hudson a couple of months ago. Damn, all we need now is a Los Angeles skyscraper with a NYPD officer inside to get taken over by highly armed foreign thieves.

Congrats Doug Liman, your heroic action movie actions have earned you the first TOILET CHOMP of August.

Sequel to 500 Days of Summer Announced!

In honor of the "super hip brah mon flannel Arcade Fire Vampire Weekend Jack Keroauc Chuck Taylor PBR Vinyl" hipster film 500 Days of Summer, I have prepared a list of sequels for the producers to consider. Listen to the hipster heartbreak anthem while considering these titles, but don't think too hard.

1. 500 Days of Hummers- It could go either way...

2. 500 Days of Stone Cold Stunners- Austin 3:16 still lives on, get em a beer!

3. 500 Days of Plumbers- Two plumbers, 250 broken toilets, 250 broken sinks, and one cute girl.

4. 500 Days of Drummers- The story of a Venice beach drum circle that uses sonic waves to prevent a tidal wave from wiping out Venice beach. It's a musical but it's like 2012.

5. 500 Days of Christopher Plummer- Star of "Must Love Dogs" and the voice of the dastardly MUNTZ in "Up." Give up for the Plums.

6. 500 Days of "Dumb and Dumber"- Two hipsters listen to Elliot Smith and watch "Dumb and Dumber" all day on their roof in their trendy yet cheap yet classy Brooklyn apartment.

7. 500 Seconds of Summer- 8.3 minutes of summer, enough time to eat an ice cream Popsicle with gum drop eyes.

8. 500 People Forced to Watch "The Happening"- Zooey Deschanel's finest performance viewed on repeat 500 times

9. 500 Days, of wait, no, did you know that Joseph Gordon-Levitt plays Cobra Commander in the upcoming "GI Joe", seriously.

10.500- Sequel to 400, which is the sequel to 300.