TPG's Game Time Episode 7 - A Man Without Honor

Man, I gotta wash my hands, because that was just a dirty vile hour of television. From the bizarre horror movie music at the end, to uh, the last image of the charred corpses of children the whole thing was just super grim. That being said, I'm sure there is a light at the end of the tunnel, it's not like this show is all dark themes of incest, death, treason, and family members killing each other...wait...whattt? Let's get into it.


Direwolf Badassery: 0 (I really thought I was going to see them step it up)

Joffrey Swag - .2 (Even when he's not around they're speaking his name)


1. Jaime Lannister! It's been too long since he appeared in an episode and simply put this dude is an absolute beast. There are a multitude of reasons why he simply dominated this episode, so let's start with the first. His speech to his second cousin/nephew/fat person related family mate Alton was a metaphor for how people age in this harsh world of the show. The story about how his time as a squire, his first kill, and how they fear him now, was fitting because it shows how fast people age on the show. Just last season Robb Stark was just a teenager, Jon Snow was in training, and Ned Stark was alive. If you need more evidence that this episode was about how people change, look no further than the only real youth not on the battlefield on the show...Sansa Stark and as we saw...she's turning into an adult. That's a scary thing because if you're not prepared for the real world of adulthood, you're probably going to get burned by...or in this case...beaten to death by your idol. Rough brah.

2. In the grand world of "Titanic: You Both Can Fit on That Board" logic, why doesn't Bran and Rickon just hop on the Direwolfs and Osha hop on Hodor? Would conserve food and energy.

3. Seeing Theon wake up, briefly look around for Osha, realize he was in deep shit, made my wonder what a medieval version of "The Hangover" would look like. Jamie would be the ringleader, Jon Snow the 25 year old hyper religious virgin, Theon the tool that everyone hates, and Hodor would be just be Hodor.

4. Couple words about Theon. The look on his face when those child charred corpses appeared seemed to indicate he was disgusted with himself and shocked how far he game. Right now I'm 95% hoping for a brutal awful death and 5% hoping for Boromir situation where he redeems himself but still dies.

5. Jaime is such a great character cause he's a deconstruction of the classic Prince Charming archetype in fantasy. He looks like Prince Charming (see left), he "saved" the Kingdom, he's name is revered across the land, he's an expert fighter, and he's royalty. Yet...as we see, he bangs his sister, kills innocent people, and has been captured. There is no "Prince Charming" and if there was, he'd probably be up to something awful...just like ol' kingslayer.

6. Funny seeing Tywin get all deep looking out over the hanging corpses and ruins of Harrenhal. Also...Tywin def knows that Arya is a Stark...he's just keeping her close.

7. Jon Snow is a man that's never belonged. He wasn't a Stark...so they sent him to the wall...he tried to flee the wall to be with his family...they made him a Steward...he wanted to become a ranger...he's falling for Ygritte the wildling...now maybe he'll become one.

8. Damn those Warlocks really broke up The New Day Co-Op / Council of Nine real fast huh. Wait...is there only one Warlock...and his name is Pyat Pree. Shit is confusing but totally awesome. Cannot wait to see what is going on at The House of The Undying. I hope whatever is in there is something Khalesi can handle emotionally because she's more emo than Sawlly Draper these days.

9. "The more people you love...the weaker you are," says Cersei on Mother's Day. Dayuuumm. Is she the most ice cold character on the show? Also...where the hell is Stannis?  Double also... are Hodor and Sam related

10. I don't think that is Rickon and Bran hanging at the end. It's the kid's from the farm. Notice that Bran said they would be tortured if they went there. Bran can see the future. Hopefully this means he'll turn into a wolf.

TPG's Game Time: Episode 6 "The Old God's & The New"

I can feel the set-up. It's becoming almost standard practice with these epic cable series that they start a little slow, begin to ramp up, and then around episode 7 they just become a mad blitz of violence and awesome power until the end. This week's episode title "The Old Gods and The New" felt like the last episode before shit really begins to pop off, and I enjoyed it greatly. That being said, I cannot wait for what is coming. I feel like there is some next level Thrones shit on the horizon and I'm ready for it.

Joffrey Swag - 1 Seeing him pouting like a boss while his sister was shipped away in tears was hilarious and awesome. Also a return of the Joffrey being so spectacular he can't even respond to getting slapped earns him points as well.

Direwolf Badassery - .1 Can these beasts please kill again. All we got was Ghost plotting around behind Jon Snow, getting called a "pet" and Shaggydog and Summer rolling out of the castle with Bran & Rickon stark.

1. Ahh, Theon Greyjoy, you little shit, I cannot wait for you to beg and plead for mercy while Robb Stark feeds you to Grey Wind for lunch. However, on a observational direwolf note, you ever notice that while Theon was boys with the Starks for so long, he never got a direwolf. Jon Snow got one and in case you didn't know...he was a bastard. As for Greyjoy, dude is so weak sauce now he can't even take Sir Rodrick's head off with one strike...that is definitely a metaphor. Where Robb seemed to transition very well from being a son to being a leader, Theon is obviously struggling.

2. Ygritte is the name of the wilding babe that Jon Snow is spooning with. I gotta say, I had no idea that wildings could be so hot, I thought they were all grimy witch people like Osha (more on her later), but I wasn't ready for her snow bunny ginger powers, and from the looks of it, I don't think Jon Snow is either. I wonder if she's going to teach him more about the White Walkers, wildlings, and you know other things that he's not as versed in.

3. MIND MELT WITH ICED BLUE CHEDDAR - I loved the speech that resident ranger badass Qhorin Halfhand gave to Jon Snow about the purpose of the wall, not just because it was a well written speech, but because it seemed to be timeless commentary about the current state of war in the world. The wall is a metaphor for Iraq/Afghanistan, the Night's watch are all the armed forces members who exist but the common man doesn't know or care about, the Wildings are insurgents, they may or may not be tied in with the massive global evil that we know nothing about, aka the White Walkers. The whole thing just fits so well and was a nice change of pace from the usual power play lingo of the show.

4. More than any other character Daenerys has had the least to do this season. So I suggest she take some acting lessons from Megan on Mad Men to further bring the thunder with her threats and promises of her pending kingdom taker over. She also should meet up with Stringer Bell from The Wire to learn about business, as that whole I will pay you back three times seems like a real bad deal.

5. However that being said, I don't know who massacred her men and took her dragons, but I'm going to guess it was those zany old warlocks, always up to no good, those Warlocks. Here's hoping my man Sir Jorah gets to regulate a little bit trying to get them back.

6. This week on "Game of Thrones" gratuitous sex was replaced with gratuitous guts getting ripped out part 1. First we had Dogg rescuing Sansa, something which was satisfying because it has been foreshadowed ever since Ol' Little Finger told her the story of Dogg's dicey relationship with her brother. We also had him offering kind words to Sansa last season after her father's death. Still ol medieval Two Face's quick destruction of Sansa's rapists was very satisfying and I wonder if he really getting tired of Joffrey's tricks.

7. This week on "Game of Thrones" gratuitous sex was replaced with gratuitous guts getting ripped out part 2. Osha! I wondered what her play was during the course of the episode, but seeing her sacrifice her body to rescue Bran was very satisfying. Also was her ninja throat rip on that guard! I wonder why she's doing it. Is out of loyalty to the Starks or because she knows Bran is seriously important for his potent dreams?

8. With the Stark boys bailing on the Winterfell, my girlfriend and I both wonder...what happens when a Stark isn't in Winterfell? Do all the ravens grow an extra eyeball?

9. I loved seeing Robb Stark just walking through his troop camp just giving out high fives and fist pumps. "Ahh, whatup Sir Freddy Blacksmith Mayne...nice battle, sup Ace McCloud...what's up super hot nurse babe...what's up Mom..whaa?" Also how the hell he noticed his mother but not She-Man is beyond me.

10. For all you Joffrey Haters out there...aka the world, here's a picture of him with shit on his face.

TPG's Game Time: Episode 5 - The Ghost of Harrenhal

It's official, "Game of Thrones" is approaching "Lost" like levels of unbearable anticipation for each episode. Show is so money and it knows yet. Each week it's delivering the goods, but, now...just hold a second. Perhaps it's cause I turned 26 last week, but as my fandom increases so do my standards, so this will be my first recap with a side of criticism. Show is still fire...but I gotta point it out when I see it. So let's gaze into the warlock stone and get into it.


1. I'll just come out with the criticism. Tywin Lannister is portrayed as the most smart, cunning, and dangerous person on the show...yet how the hell has he not connected the dots about Arya. Either he has and he's just keeping her close or he's just be neglecting his R-Mail (that would be raven mail for you non-throne junkies). I'm inclined to believe it's the latter because no-one has picked up Gendry...a dude the Lannisters went on a baby killing spree for and is now just straight chilling making weapons. Yeah yeah yeah, I know they found the bull helmet and think they killed him, but connect the dots here people!

2. So we got a pretty major character death with Renly. How do people feel about it? I always thought Renly was soft as hell compared to his brothers and I won't miss him that much because he seemed to spend the bulk of his time talking with his lover or sitting on chairs. Allllright....I'll be real with you...I knew this death was coming cause I stumbled upon reading about that shadow assassin thing. Kind of depressing that it wasn't as shocking, but that kill was pretty stellar, especially how the blade dissolved.

3. BREAK FOR ACTION MOVIES - Let's go ahead and make some connections with "Game of Thrones" and some classic action flicks:

• Last Action Hero - Tywin Lannister himself (actor Charles Dance) pops up in this Arnold Opus.
• The Rock - Tyrion Lannister takes in a host of chemical weapons and decides that they don't belong to the government, they belong to him...how very General Hummel of him.
• Leon/The Professional - A young girl, who witnessed the death of her father is mentored by a mysterious killer. Hello Arya Stark!

4. We are five episodes in and the coolest thing the mighty dragons have done is cook a piece of steak. Are you kidding me HBO? Could you at least throw some nudity into these dragon scenes to make them more interesting? After seeing them get birthed last season, I was expecting some Dragon Wars (real movie) shit to be going down by now.

5. Theon Greenjoy gets dirtier and dirtier every episode. By the time the season ends I expect him to fully covered in grime (literally and metaphorically.)

6. From this episode on I will now be calling "Brienne the Beauty," you know the badass female knight that was down with Renly and is now down with Lady Stark by name of SHE MAN. Not because she's a gigantic tall female warrior...but because she looks like He-Man.

7. Let's talk about Qarth...can we talk about Qarth. My girlfriend pointed out that it looks like something out of "Midsummer's Night Dream," and while she's right, it's clear that there is some crazy shit going on in the desert. The Warlocks who are addicted to "shade of the evening" are clearly competing with the King's Landing "Alchemist Guild" for most stonerific characters on the show. The woman with face mask is extremely intriguing. And finally Xaro Xhoan Daxos is proving very J.J. Abrams like with his secret hatch/vault full of promises. No word if Desmond is inside..brotha.

8. SLIGHT MIND MELT: Good to see Bran stepping up in Winterfell. The juxtaposition of his little brother playing with rocks while he assumed the leadership position was satisfying. Notice how Maester Luwin didn't say much, where in the past he did the bulk of the talking. This scene was crucial because we know that Theon is coming through.

9. Jaqen H'Ghar was the 80's hair band rocker mysterious knight dude that promised Arya three deaths last night. Who this dude is and what instrument does he play in the 80's Throne Hair Band (is Jamie Lannister in it too) is beyond me, but he certainly is interesting. The whole business about owing Three Deaths to the Red God was super cool, but I don't think he can be trusted.

10. Finally...let's give it up for Sam...aka the clutchest friend on TV right now. He eagerly volunteered to be steward just so Snow can go regulate...something that the Bastad and us should be thankful for.

TPG's Game Time: Episode 4 Garden of Bones

Whoah, Game of Thrones just isn't holding back anymore huh? Not like it every really did, but damn with an episode titled "Garden of Bones" you knew things we weren't going to be getting bright and cheery. There was a lot to talk about here, so let's load up our crossbows and get into it.


Direwolf Badassery: 1.1 point for yet another kill for Rob Stark's direwolf Grey Wind. We didn't see it eat that guy's guts, but we saw the ferocious furry pounce and then we cut to the aftermath. .1 bonus points for the kill having a stealth element, nice!

Joffrey Swag: .1 points. Man, this was the episode where he crossed the line. That whole stunt with Sansa and the crossbow was acceptable cause it wasn't anything new, weapons, bossing people around, threats, you know would usually would give him a whole point. But turning a potential epic threesome into a ultra-dark S & M display....total loss of points. See #1

1. Is Joffrey the most hated character in all media now. I don't think there is a single person on any screen, TV Screen, Movie Screen, Silk Screen, Smoke Screen that audiences want to see die a horrible horrible death than this little shit. Crazy to think he was once the angelic kid scared of a street thug in Batman Begins! Jack Gleeson, the actor who plays Joffrey is doing an incredible job, but I really want to see that smoke demon baby thing rip him to pieces.

2. What's that, you thought post number one was going to be about the aforementioned "smoke demon baby monster jesus what the hell is that shit" thing that popped out of Melisandre at the end? Sorry, it gets post #2 cause I have no idea what to make of it besides the fact that it was a radical step into crazy magic for the show, and one that I'm totally behind. Cannot wait to see what that thing can do.

3. Speaking of Magic, have you noticed that the show loves to focus on people just not knowing how real it's all getting out there. Throughout season and two, people are doubting that dragons exist...but we the audience, know that they do. People scoff at the concept of White Walkers...but Jon Snow will be killing dem bitches in no time...trust. And now in this episode, Maester Luwin says that magic doesn't exist and that he's learned enough to know these things...but once again we know what's really going on.

4.  The Spice King of Qarth (which popped up in the opening credits) looks exactly like Kyle Gass of Tenacious D.

5.  Game of Thrones is approaching "Wire" levels of mind blowing quotes about the quest for power. You know stuff "They say hard places breed hard men and hard men rule the world" and simple gems like "Power is Power," so it was nice to hear Renly have such a nice quote as "A man without friends is a man without power." Damn Renly, a gay king, with a female bodyguard, and a really positive outlook on friendship! So progressive!

6. Nice to see Sir Gregor The Mountain turn up again, but they definitely recast him. This could be related to the fact the actor who played the original Mountain Conan Stevens appeared on Spartacus where he promptly got his face chopped off (extremely graphic link here).

7. The captured prisoners story interlude that Arya and Gendry have found themselves in is a classic situation that pops up in all great fantasy stories. It's all over the works of Tolkien and appears in Harry Potter as well. Can't wait to see what happens with Arya being Tywin Lannister's cup master.

8. The Hound seems to be getting more and more sympathetic to Sansa and her struggle. I wonder if he'll come around and see how evil his boss is.

9. Finally Game of Thrones is due for some truly crazy shit. We're four episodes in and while it's been great...I need to see where this extra budget has been spent. Until next week, I'll leave you with some of wild shit I want to see on the show

• Dragons actually fighting instead of perching up on Khalesi like baby iguanas
• Jon Snow fighting White Walkers, the real ones, not some possessed Wild Wings
• A real huge epic battle, not just the preparation for it
• Theon Greyjoy in a big pirate battle on the high seas.

TPG's Game Time: Episode 2 - The Night Lands

Man am I happy that this show is back. And considering that there wasn't a single epic battle this episode, I still enjoyed every second of it. So without further adieu, let's just get right into it.


Direwolf Badassery: .25 for that shot of Ghost just looking boss, but where was he when Jon Snow got attacked

Joffrey Swag - .5 points, he didn't even appear and he scores points because we learned it was him not his mom who ordered all the bastards to be executed! Ice cold!

1. Blue Eyes! White Walkers! Oh shit! As Game Time readers know, I'm all about the blue eyed demons, so seeing just the tiniest glimpse of them at the end of the episode transformed an excellent dialogue heavy episode to one which holds promises of more wild magic to come. Also, Jon Snow, how you going to get snuck up on like that. You hear how loud the snow was underneath those boots? C'mon son.

2. Let's talk about Game of Throne's resident womanizer Theon Greyjoy for a moment. This dude, who I thought was a Stark for almost the entire first season is always messin' around with the ladies (including his own sister accidentally...wtf HBO...more on that later), but also have gigantic Octopus on their mantle, which is just insanely cool. It will be interesting to see how Theon's family problems with his father Balon impact Robb Stark's world problems.

3. Let's talk about the Lannisters for a second. They are clearly the villains on this show. Well everyone except Tyrion who's just showing us why he got that Emmy. The scene where he had the corrupt city watch guard hauled off was fantastic, if only because it seemed like delayed justice for Ned Stark. One of the great things about seeing Tyrion as the King's Hand is noticing the moves he makes compared to the currently cranium deprived playmate defender Ned Stark.

4. Speaking of Ned Stark, how about his daughter: little Arya. If Jon Snow and Fat Sam weren't best buddies, I would say that Arya and Gendry are the resident best friends on the show. I love how Arya still isn't afraid to lay down the law on anybody including little boys and locked up criminals, but I fear that the show will make it so Gendry is her protector and not her partner in crime. I guess time will tell.

5. Another episode, another awesome scene with the smuggler pirate knight Davos Seaworth, this time he's making deals with Salladhor Saan, who appears to be the Kingsley Shacklebolt of the Game of Thrones world, aka the resident ultra cool super badass black dude.

6. Before all my bro'd out readers judge me (I'm talking about you Anthony), let me say that this episode had way too much nudity/sex in it. I love that I can see it on all premium cable but this episode seemed to go overboard for no real reason. The scene in the brothel, featuring some cleanup at the hands of Littlefinger just seemed totally unnecessary. Theon doing the business with his sister...really?This was the first episode that made wonder if HBO is just showing all this because they can and not because it's in service to the story. Why can't we go back to the good ol days of horses getting chopped in half?

7. MILD MIND BONE (Iced version) - Are the White Walkers eating babies or converting them? Smart money is on converting them into blue-eyed demon snow zombies because they gotta be raising the army from somewhere right? Winter is coming!

8. Cannot wait for next week.

TPG's Game Time: Episode 1 - The North Remembers

See that red comet in the sky? That means that my recaps of "Game of Thrones" have returned. With "Spartacus: Vengeance" ending this past weekend, "Game of Thrones" is back to give me my dose of crazy intricate family politics, epic violence, gratuitous nudity, dragons, spoiled little brat kids, and of course dragons (did I already say that). So what do you say we grab out bull helmets and dive into the episode.


Direwolf Badassery - 1.5 points. We got to see Robb Stark's direwolf Grey Wind get super intense entrance and menacing growl. I also gave half points from Bram seeing the inner direwolf in his trippy dream.

Joffrey Swag - 2 Points. For those of you who don't know this is when the most hated character on TV does something so evil it can only be considered cool, on a extremely" ironic meta Tony Montana why do we like bad things" way. So I give him points for the wine pour of almost death and talking shit to his mother, and yes this is hard to measure.


1. Did you notice the new opening credits? The budget for this sequence, which has been parodied on "The Simpsons" since season one ended, seems to have gone up substantially. There are new places (Dragonstone!) on the map and more details on the ones that we know (The Stark Tree blooming for example). I get a very Age of Empires 2 vibe from the whole thing, and I think that's a good thing.

2. MIND BONE APPETIZER - Red Comet, what's it all about folks? Besides the accurate assessment that the dragons are coming, Ned Stark is dead, and the Lannister's are sneaky bastards, what it really means is that everyone on this show sees their own destiny in front of them, waiting to be taken. It's yours for the taking and remember people you win or you die!

3. Speaking of dragons, after an entire season of waiting for them, it's a trip to see them actually on the show, even more of a trip to see them in a cage. Are we going to have to wait another season to see them in action?

4. So glad Game of Thrones picked up right where it left off..... killing horses. Last season had two dead horses, this season has already got one, anybody want to gamble on how many we'll see.

5. The first time we Stannis Baratheon is on a beach filled with fiery effigies, burning swords, and sizzling (not literally) witch priestess advisor Melisandre. Other shows take notice, that's how you introduce a new character. Stannis is a cold beast so far and the fact that his old advisor hates his resident soothsayer enough to try to poison her speaks to what influence she will have on the plot going forward.

6. My new favorite character this season is Sir Davos Seaworth. I'm a big fan of actor Liam Cunningham who plays him, but also there is no way that this dude is not going to be regulating on people this season.

7. Good to see that Littlefinger was up on the The Hunger Games way before anyone else at King's Landing. That Mockingbird pin was pretty damn close to the Mockingjay pin Katniss wears when she's in combat.

8. With Jon Snow not getting to do anything to but have deep thoughts about why this dude has so many daughters while on patrol with the nights-watch, Robb Stark was just dropping tough guy talk everywhere. Three victories are better than three defeats, you're going to be killed by a boy, calls him out on banging his sister, etc! Robb Stark is the show's resident badass, at least until Sir Davos or Jon Snow start slicing people up again.

9. Just when you think the show has grown up, we get a brief scene of some woman at brothel teaching  a whore how to bang. WTF HBO, is this really necessary (I'm cool with it though).

10. What a final scene. All the bastards in King's Landing getting killed including babies! That was super intense, but finally we see the ultimate bastard Gendry Baratheon, and he's rolling with Arya Stark! Such an amazing final scene and killer opening episode.

TPG's Game Time: Episode 10 "Fire and Blood" (SPECIAL DRAGON EDITION)

Last night's season one finale of "Game of Thrones" entitled "Fire and Blood" found us with many characters in interesting places DRAGONS DRAGONS DRAGONS! YES YES YES! THEY'RE FINALLY HERE! Dude.....I love dragons so much...."Dragonheart" is the shit....but this....whoah...gotta do a recap here, let's fire em up and dive in!


Direwolf Badasserry - 2...we got our first glimpse of the Rickon's ferocious wolf Shaggydog (great name huh) and we also got a story about Robb's direwolf killing twelve people in battle. Excellent.

MAGIC! - See above

1. There was a serious outpouring of hate after the show killed Ned Stark. After all he was the face of the marketing for the show, fans were pissed that he was dead....but HBO showed that didn't care about the haters, opening the episode with his blood dripping off the sword. The scenes of the grieving Stark family was so intense though I thought there we gonna cut to a Game of Thrones finale viewing party of people crying while wearing custom bedazzled "Winter is Coming" shirts.

2. I really like that Bran is now buddies with Osha, the crazy woman from the woods, (aka Tonks). She seems to have knowledge of the winter that is coming, knows a lot about magic (and DRAGONS) and in the future I imagine that she will prove crucial in defense against the white walkers.

3. It's hard to believe that lil' ol' Jack Gleeson, the cute kid from "Batman Begins" (see left) would play the most hated character on TV right now. Between cutting out musicians tongues, making Sansa stare at her loved one's rotting heads, and having his mutant/knight slap around his bride to be....I cannot wait til this little shit gets his. My dream is Arya Stark stabs him with "needle."Also was Syrio Forel's head up there on the pike? Will the legendary afro swordsman return, perhaps riding a DRAGON?

4. Speaking of Arya Stark, not only is she rocking an extremely hip hair cut and a new name but she's fallen in with the bastard son of the king, you remember him, his name is Gendry and he's badass blacksmith. The odds that he and Arya will be legendary warriors are about as high as the height DRAGONS fly at.

Alright I'll cool it with the dragon talk.

5. If there is one thing that "Game of Thrones" does particularly well, it's scenes of people making proclamations and oaths. In this episode we had a whole host of victorious knights taking an oath to Robb the King of the North and then we had another version of the ultra cool Night's Watch oath in the woods by torchlight. Oaths...proclamations....always kick ass.

6. Let's pump the brakes to talk about the ever popular Tryion Lannister. He's now going to become the hand of the king and while he needs to listen to more Dr Dre Chonic 2001, but his scene where his father finally accepted him was kind of touching. Also my buddy at the Night's Watch (aka work) pointed out that his girlfriend could be a Dothraki.

7. While it really pained me to see Khal Drogo go out withput an epic throw down battle at least we got to see him rip out someone's tongue through their throat, but I can't help but dream of what he could have been. Hopefully we'll get more of this is this summer's Conan the Barbarian where he plays Conan...the Dothraki....I mean Barbarian....same thing right?

8. As much as I'm literally salivating at the thought of full blown dragons kicking ass next season what really got me going was the entire Night's Watch riding out to meet the white walkers face to face. Way back when this season started we got our first glimpse of the white walkers I knew these bastards were gonna be hard to kill, Seagal style, and now finally those cold little blue eyed demons are gonna get a healthy dose sword/fire to make em wanna sing.....I would like to point out that Thislalife reader Young Hyatt esquire predicts that only the dragons will be able to defeat the white walkers. Three words about that prediction......SIGN ME UP!

It's ben a real pleasure writing these recaps for you this season. And with season two not starting for a year (Dragon CGI is time consuming...no doubt) it will be a while til Game Time returns. That being said if you like my recap style stay tuned as I will be recapping "Breaking Bad" this summer as well as "Boardwalk Empire" in the fall.

SEE YOU IN 2012 !

TPG's Game Time: Episode 9 "Baelor"

Sean Bean! Talk to your people man, you deserve better than having to play the guy who gets killed in the first part of the fantasy epic. Just kidding, you're a tremendous actor and your two scenes in this episode were straight legendary! Sucks you had to go out like that instead of fighting to death like in LOTR.  However, there are other things to brew on in this episode, included but not limited dead animals, hilarious comedy, and another Harry Potter actor appearance!

Direwolf Badassery - .5 (we got a mention of direwolf and custom sword)

Magic! - 1 (evil demon witch doctor messing with my boy Drago)

1. With Ned Stark having his final date with a sword, I'm trying to figure out if he was a "good" guy. At the end he sacrificed his belief in the one true king in order to save himself and his family. Kinda weak to back of your convictions of a "soldier" if you ask me. Two weeks ago he put two much trust in the last will of the King, which he doctored in a semi-shady move and prior to that he refused get his family out of the castle. He's a noble man who seems to make terrible decisions, and for this reason I wasn't that destroyed by his death. Am I alone in this sentiment?

2. MILD MIND MELT WITH LIGHT JALAPENO- Readers will know I'm constantly going on about the animal metaphor thing that the show has going on. So this week, we got to see another raven, frequently associated with Bran Stark getting shot out of the sky. Then before we know we get a Stark parting with his head. Also this week we got a horse, frequently associated with the Dothraki getting it's throat slashed. Besides "Game of Thrones" strange fascination with killing horses, does the horse death bode poorly for Khal Drago? I love the guy but he was hurting this week!

3. Jon Snow maynnnnnne. If this dude couldn't get any cooler he has a custom blade with his direwolf on the hilt. And the blade is named "Longclaw," which is also just extremely cool. When the winter comes (which I'm pretty sure it is) Jon Snow will be the medieval version of a space heater. Just straight burning shit up!

4. First we get Tonks on the show and now we get Filch! That's right David Bradley who plays Argus Filch in the Harry Potter films popped up as an old horny Gatekeeper Walder Frey.  Hopefully in future seasons we'll get even more Harry Potter actors. Perhaps the great David Thewlis?

5. Can we please acknowledge how funny this show is? First we got Walder Frey bashing on his family members with colorful insults.. Then we get Catelyn Stark trying to describe a future wife to her son, but failing. We follow that with the latest episode of legendary buddy pairing of the show - Tryion and Bronn, in this episode they meet a sassy asian stripper and get drunk.....cue the laugh track.!

6.  Last week I wondered if they were going to show the epic battles that we see people getting hyped for. Now we have our answer and it's NO....but we will show you the aftermath, a good creative decision on the part of the creators that I'm cool with.

7. Throughout this episode there was a theme of "acting" or "pretending." We had the Eunich talk about how he wanted to be an actor until he "got his balls cut off with a hot knife." Then we had Tyrion's heartbreaking story about the whore who was hired to pretend to care about him. And finally as I mentioned above, we had Ned Stark pretend to care about the King and pay the ultimate price. As we head into the finale we should keep in mind the speech of the elder Targaryen, everyone has to make a choice and stand by it, not pretend to be something their not. CANNOT WAIT FOR NEXT WEEK!

Here's a better death for you Sean Bean!

TPG's Game Time: Episode 8 "The Pointy End"

Zombies, tongue rips, vikings oh my! "Game of Thrones" is really firing on all cylinders right now and Sunday's episode entitled "The Pointy End" was another blood drenched kick ass episode of television. It's only been 8 episodes and I'm super invested in these characters and their stories. So let's call up our red eyed direwolf and explore. Also peep the new categories that reader James suggested:


Direwolf Badassery: 2
Magic!!!! - 1

1. Finally Khal Drago steps up to the plate and shows us just why he's the resident badass of the Dothraki/television. Let's break down how it all played out:

• Scenes of devastation that the Khal ordered oh, hey there, Khal Drago good to see you again, what's that your seated next to - A pile of heads? +1 for head pile.
• Here comes your wife, no problem, you are willing to proclaim that you are so whipped by her hotness/warrior womb that she can command your men. +2 for admitting your whipped.
• Someone challenges your authority by putting a scimitar to your chest, you promptly moved forward to let them cut you. +3 for resistance to pain.
• A constant stream of insults including but not limited to beetles feeding on eyes, winds tearing people to pieces etc. +4 for creativity with insults.
• Ripping out someone's tongue through their throat. +5 for topping Rambo and a creative kill.

2. I want to apologize to my readers for you overuse of the phrase "Blue Eyed Demons," it is now clear there is some type of magic that the "White Walkers" have that turns normal people in Mr. Freeze clone zombie killers. On the left is what I think is an original "white walker," and I, like Jon Snow's fat friend am convinced that they're different from the human with the blue eyes, pale skin, and lack of body odor. That being said if heat kills the white walkers/ cold zombies, people are really screwed if "winter is coming."

3. A big question I have is just how epic is this show going to get? Forget winter, WAR is coming! We have two sides building armies with vikings who like sex jokes on the Lannister side and old knights who fight with three fingers on the other on the Stark side on the other. Are we going to get some "Braveheart" level carnage?

4. I'm always impressed by the set decoration on this show. Let's take a time out to compliment set decorator Richard Roberts on his work. Sweet tapestries bro!

5. There can only be one Alfred Molina lookalike with a killer accent, adept sword, and even more deadly afro so with the death of Syrio Forel, one must wonder when his kind going to appear on other TV Shows? I'm looking at you "Phineas and Ferb!" 

6. While I love pretty much everything on this show, I have to say the stuff at the white wall is my favorite. The mystery of white walkers, the blue eyed people, Jon Snow's direwolf with the red eyes, the band of outcasts vibe, and creeping dread are all awesome.

7. A great character on the show is Sir Barristan Selmy, who was dismissed of his duties to the realm by bitch ass King Joffrey. Hopefully we'll see him again soon.

8. Ned Stark is trapped in a dungeon with occasional visits from a eunuch, things are not looking good for a redemption for Boromir!

TPG's Game Time: Episode 6 "A Golden Crown"

Last week I was in awe of the horse chop and now this week I'm just wow....I mean....I've seen some shit...but having a pot of molten gold poured on a guy's face is pretty much the rawest thing I've ever seen on TV. Oh.....hey there, we did have an excellent episode last night as well, so why don't we put the pot on the fire and check out what's melting.


Beheading - .5 we got a throat slash

1. It is now clear to me that my obsession with dragons is making me blind to some serious plot points. For example I did not pick up that Daenerys did not get burned when she touched the scalding hot dragon egg but her chamber maid did. What is this magic? Is this because she is the dragon? And now someone else pointed out that she didn't get burned back in episode 1 when she was in the scalding hot bath, uh, I wasn't distracted by Dragon eggs then.

2. And I can't wait anymore, we gotta talk a little bit more about that golden face wash that Viserys Targaryen got at the hands of Khal Drago. Speaking of Khal Drago, has there ever been an easier part for an actor to play. Requirements include - being big, brooding, wearing eye shadow, looking intently, and speaking in a language that isn't subtitled so no one will know what you're saying.

3. SUBTLE MIND MELT WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS - So Bram is out in the woods having a ball in his new saddle when he gets attacked by half ewok/half men foragers. Luckily his bro comes and regulates on everyone except one woman. A woman played by actress Natalia Tena, who plays Tonks in the Harry Potter films. There is no way that this woman isn't going to be a major character in the rest of the season or future seasons. What is her place in this power struggle you ask? I think she will become an ally to help the Starks kill the Lannisters / White Walkers / Dragons (hey I can hope right).

4. Is there any doubt the King is some type of Medieval Frat All-Star? In this episode alone he talks about his epic bromance with Ned Stark, smacks around his wife who disrespects (I don't condone or encourage this behavior) and then talks about "making the 8" or banging a wench in the 8 different realms/kingdoms/houses. He also likes to drink. Medievel Frat bro fo sho.

5. One of the mysteries of this episode was why Bronn decided to fight for Tyrion Lannister in his trial. Was Bronn just bored and couldn't pass up the opportunity to toss some dude in a hole? Does have some simple respect for Tyrion after seeing him save the Queen last week? Or perhaps is he aligning himself with Tyrion to prepare for the coming Stark/Lannister showdown?

6. Where is Jon Snow and his fat sidekick?

7. "There is only one God and his name is Death. And there is only one thing we say to death: Not today." Alfred Molina aka Syrio Forel aka Qui Gon Jin to Arya Stark drops this money quote and I feel like it applies to the whole show. As they so frequently proclaim "Winter is coming" and death may not take us today, but it will take us in time....when things get chilly....in the winter.

8. So Ned Stark gets to sit on the throne as a king and the first thing he does is order a mission to apprehend "The Mountain." I pray to the Game of Thrones gods we get to see 100 people try to take down the mountain, aka the horse chopper. That is going to be one hell of a fight.

9. I said earlier that "Game of Thrones" is following the neo-HBO model for new series that has the first six episodes being set-up and the final 7 being all epic kick-ass plot driven wonders of TV goodness. Game of Thrones is tearing it up right now!

TPG's Game Time: Episode 4 "Cripples, Bastards, and Broken Things"

And the wait continues. What wait?  The wait for the "bastard" Jon Snow to unleash with real violence instead of punches and takedowns. If the beheading count is going to rise, it will  be this dude's blade, mark my words. Let's dive in.


Decapitations - .25 (Some dude took a piece of wood to his throat in a joust)

Incest Count - 0, probably going to stop keeping track, it's a little dark.

1. Two words - Production Values!  Sometimes I am simply amazed by just how epic the whole thing is. I mean we have caravans of horses, excellent costumes, kick-ass choreographed fights, and eye-popping sets. Give it up for HBO and their courage (and deep pockets) for putting a show like this on the air.

2. THE RETURN OF THE MIND MELT WITH (THIS TIME WITH ROASTED FOWL) - So check it out, in Welsh mythology, Bran apparently is a crucial figure and you know what Bran means in Welsh... wait for it...."blessed raven." His dream where he followed a raven only to see it having three eyes, aka disabled like him, certainly is some type of omen. In folklore he goes to to become a protector of England, so who knows, come season 4, he could kicking ass like his bro, the Winter Soldier...Jon Snow.


3. Speaking of Bram - I loved seeing the blueprints for him to get back up on his horse, if only because they reminded me of "How To Train Your Dragon," which if you haven't seen it, is in my opinion a must see film. In that film the hero and his trusty dragon both learn to ride/fly post injuries, so in time, maybe little Bram will be back on that horse for real!

4. "Game of Thrones" is a killer name for a show, but you might as well call it "Long wait to see dragons" cause every single week we get some hint that there are flying fire breathing T-Rexs out there. I know they're supposedly dead, but there is no way we aren't going to get dragons at this point. I mean last night we had a 6 minute dragon speech given in a bathtub. Let me clear....I cannot wait to see how this show does dragons!!

5. Catelyn Stark is really playing sleuth now, but I wonder how her recent capture of Tyrion is going to play out, I think that she might end up gaining an ally where she thought to arrest an enemy. Tyrion seems to have some beef with his family members and I believe when he was he cares for Bran. I think he could be the guy who helps bring down the Lannisters.

6. The joust was one of the best scenes of the show. Not only did we get a terrifying parable of the dangers of family from resident facial hair tycoon Petyr Baelish, but we got a gnarly joust complete with a brutal death. Seeing the two Stark girls react to this was fascinating as Sansa Stark was looking petrified, but the next Karate Kid (don't act like you didn't see that stance) Arya Stark seemed to shocked but satisfied. Cannot wait til this chick becomes Red Sonya / Hit Girl.

TPG's Game Time: Episode 3 "Lord Snow"

Considering the epic level of news that dropped right before I turned on Game of Thrones, my brain wasn't as dialed into the episode as it should have been. That being said, I did notice a couple of things that I can share with you, but first, I must attend to basic sword fighting 101.


Decapitation Count: 0 (weaaaaakkk)
Incest Count: .25 (implied)


1. I include the photo of Peter Dinklage as Tyrion Lannister because he is clearly becoming one of the three best characters on this show. Who are the other two? Stay tuned and I let you know, but let's get back to Tyrion. From the start of the show when he was dropping knowledge while at a brothel to the scene last week when he was smacking around the medieval version of the Blank Check kid, he's alway has the right line or action. Not to mention Dinkage is a incredible actor.

2. Weak ass episode! Compared to last week, this was one was a total snooze fest. I can only sit through so many scheming meetings on big budget sets with ocean views with old men/bald men talk about the past as a means to communicate dire warnings about the future. Sure, the costumes are immaculate, the dialogue is well written, but it feels like nothing is really happening here. Where are the blue eyed demon and beheadings?

3. Ahh and now we have my second favorite character on the show: Daenery's Targaryen. Besides that fact that she's married to the EDNS (Eyeliner Dude No Speak), her character is consistently interesting because of her change. In the first episode she's weak and afraid, in the second she's in control, and now she's bossing around her shaaady brother and commanding the respect of the people with the whips and horses (ehh, sounds a little weird). But seriously, I'm intrigued to see how her rising leadership skills influence the greater story of the show

4. Based off this episode we can no doubt assume that Arya Stark will rise to become a battle trained heroine of the highest accord. In the first episode she proves to be proficient with a bow, in the second she's sword fighting, and in this one she's slamming knives into tables and receiving sword training from a funny accented afro dude while her father hums the Rocky theme song in his head.  Next week she'll probably be teaming up with Hit Girl

5. And my final favorite character is Game of Thrones resident badass Jon Snow. Considering everyone and their mother is telling us that "Winter is Coming" I'll side with the dude who's adept with a blade and his fists and last name is SNOW. Is there any more indication that this dude will be the Winter Soldier (Sorry Kosher D, I had to). People are telling him he's meant for bigger things, he wants to know the truth about his mother, and his in the same area as the evil blue eyed demons, soon they'll all meet in a bloodbath, I'm sure of this.

6. While this episode contained little to no action, I feel like a great deal of backstory was given to us. We had the creepy bedtime story about the White Walkers, stories of the mad king, epic tales of chest bursting battles from the king, tales of horse gods from the Dothraki, and more I can't remember. In future episodes when things are really popping off, we'll no doubt look back on this episode as some type of reference, let's just hope that were are not to cold to look back because....you know....if you haven't been told 100 times yet.....Winter is coming!

TPG's Game Time: Episode 2 "The Kingsroad"

After a heavy episode last week to get the gears of war turning, this weeks episode of "Game of Thrones" titled "The Kingsroad" was an interesting look at where things are headed and stirring PSA for wolves everywhere. Let's strap on our longswords and head in.


Decapitation Count: .5 (dude got his throat ripped open by a wolf)
Incest Count: 0

1. Not once but twice does a wolf save somebodies skin (and rip off someone else's) in this episode. I like this concept of the dire wolves protecting the Stark household, but I'm worried about it for two reasons. The first, how often is this going to happen in the show. Every time someone gets in trouble, is the wolf gonna spring up and kick ass? Second, will the double threat badass/cute factor of the wolves lead to a boom in sweet wolf related t-shirts and fan fiction?

2. The Lannister Queen aka the real bitch schemer is turning into one of the best villains on TV right now. Much credit is due to actress Lena Hadley for projecting wickedness in the scenes that she's given. Now that the little Ezzio Auditore is awake, it will be interesting to see what her next move is.

3. Ned Stark is an interesting character because he is both supremely powerful and ultimately weak. He is the ruler of the his kingdom and his clan, but he still gets kind of bossed around by his King, even though him and the King are tight enough to pound wine and talk about sexual conquests of wenches. I wonder if this divide is going to lead him to future trouble later in the season/series. At some point he's going to have to choose a side.

4. Khal Dogo (Jason Momoa) is definitely rocking some Richard Alpert level eye-liner on this show, but even though he doesn't speak that much, he's bringing it with the intensity. For all you non-action movie nerds out there, this dude is the new Conan The Barbarian and with each week on this show he's getting me more pumped for that film. That being said, when is this dude going to engaging in any combat besides the one in the bedroom?

5. After a semi-good pilot, this episode has really pulled me into the show. I can't wait for the showdown at the wall with the White Walkers aka "Da Blue Eyed Demons!" Also, now that the climber boy is awake, the situation at home is heating up as well. In fact the whole thing kind of reminds me of a Redwall book. You have the situation at home, the quest, and the approaching army. No word if Martin the Warrior is going to turn up on the show though.

One more Direwolf save and we'll be seeing more on these on our characters.