The Quest For Fear

Never have me on your left doing a horror movie. It's a simple fact that when I get freaked out I tend to punch whatever is to my left. Doesn't matter if it's a lady, a brah, or grandma, if some shit is going down on the screen that makes me bug out, someone is getting knocked out. That being said, I do enjoy a great horror flick and I'm pretty peaceful dude.

But these days a great scare is hard to find. Some of the ones I've enjoyed recently include "Quarantine," "The Strangers," and the classic scare me out of my flannel pajamas* classic "The Descent." Yet I've exhausted my list and I can't find the really freaky ones, please post on the comments, if you know one.

I found that most of these new horror films confuse brutality with fear, yes I'm talking to you "Friday the 13th", "Halloween" and "Saw." I wanna be afraid, not just made to jump by some heavy metal soundtrack or some bogus audio cue. I also don't wanna Ralph Wiggum because of some ridiculous gore.

I've also noted that a good horror flick is ultimately subjective. My mom bugged out when she saw "The Exorcist," but when I saw it, I thought the whole thing was much less scary than "E.T." which did some serious damage to me as a child (that's a whole nother blog post). So the quest for a good scare continues, if I find it make sure you're sitting to my right or preferably on another couch.

*First time I saw "The Descent" I screamed so loud the people in the dorm room next door thought I was being murdered by roommate who had his mind fried by playing 14 straight hours of GTA:San Andreas: "WHADDUP CJ?"

The Halloween Fallout

So Halloween has come and gone, and we have 362 days till it all happens again. Here are some things I have noticed about Halloween in LA.

1. Traffic wears no costume: Rumors are swirling that the traffic downtown was gridlocked for over 2 hours. I don't understand why people are surprised about this. I mean when people think of LA they think of 1. Movies 2. Weather. 3. Traffic. It does not stop because you managed to score a great Obama costume, it's always going to be there.

2. Accessories are key- Cookies, I saw a girl dressed as a Stepford Wife (WTF?) and she had a basket full of the dankest chocolate chip cookies. I also had a good friend be a breathalyzer and give out custom readings. I was a summo wrestler and the only thing I was giving out was belly bumps. In thislalife, you gotta have that accessory, it's like having an agent if you're an actor.

3. Girls wear sexy outfits- This is not a LA thing, but a global thing, if Halloween is even global.

4. Dentist Business Booming- I hate the dentist, place smells strange, I don't like getting prodded, and I've had some bad experiences. But I gotta hand it to dentists, their job must be hard. Candy usage skyrockets during Halloween, driving consumers to the dentist. Beer drinking (a major cause of cavities) also rises. We in and they win.

So until next year, I hope you had a great Halloween weekend. See you for Judgement Day, tomorrow.

This Jack O Lantern Life

I see Pumpkin carving as a essential part of Halloween and a way for the inner artist to bloom in a burst of orange and yellow artistic brilliance. Let me break down pumpkin carving and why it is the "Red Dawn" of holiday traditions.

1. Pumpkin Selection- You trying to get that tall-ass pumpkin so you can get that creepy Frankenstein (THIS LINK IS WILD!!) vibe. Or you going for that wide open mouth that seems to be waiting for some Almond Joy. It does not matter, just decide well. And forget about getting pumpkins with scratches, they ruin the face of the carving surface.

2. Gutting- Some people would prefer the world "hollowing", but reaching inside a pumpkin and pulling out that nasty shit is a cost that the artist must pay for glory. Think of it as some sort of test to see if you are worthy. It's as if the pumpkin is saying "yeah cut me up, do it, but first, reach inside take out my guts" It's like an offering to the Pumpkin Gods.

3. To Stencil or Not To Stencil, That is the Question- Some people love stenciling the pumpkin design and then creating something truly amazing. See the ridiculous pumpkin of Obama. However, I view stencils as cheating, on par with plagiarizing papers and performance enhancing drugs. You gotta do it all by yourself, you owe to the pumpkin and your self to carve on your own.

4. Pumpkin God- While doing some temp work for a local talk show, I went on an errand to the Pumpkin God. This dude's carvings are mind melting in their power. He is is so damn nasty, that when October ends he starts carving Watermelons.

Have a Happy Halloween, I'll be back to tomorrow with some classic Halloween stories.