Arnold Returns To Conan (With King-Sized Expectations)

At the final scene of John Milius's epic "Conan The Barbarian," Conan aka Arnold aka The Barbarian aka The Destroyer sits on his throne surrounded by glowing red mist, decked out in shiny armor and the latest fur fashions of the Hyborian time, thinking about all the enemies he's crushed, all the people that his armies drove before him, and all the lamentation he's heard (yes in that order.) This scene assures us that Conan lived a good life and became a king, aka the biggest boss of all bosses. It's a comforting ending to a brutal movie.

But we all know that Conan can't sit on a throne forever, there are always camels to punch, snakes that need to come together, and Crom to be praised to/scorned. So today we get the announcement that Arnold will reprise the role of King Conan in a new film coming out in 2014. We will finally learn just what happened when the red smoke cleared.

Gotta say I'm pretty excited about this, Conan is straight up a wild ass movie fulls of tons of Arnoldisms, gore, sex, battles, and James Earl Jones turning into a snake. If this sequel is Rated R* and snags a great director* we could be in for a awesome cinematic treat that delivers on the epic promise of  King Conan. So, yeah, at this point I'm extraordinarily thrilled about the announcement and the premise.

*It's being targeted as a tentpole release for Universal so who knows if it will be rated R
**Getting the right director is essential here. My vote would be for Ridley Scott, Alfonso Cuaron, or Darren Aronosfky.

Jason Momoa Cast As Conan The Barbarian

Cimmerian Warrior?

I think so

Big Ups To Judah

Music To Blast You Through Thursday

Bro Mahn Indie Rock

With the weekend looming on the horizon, I decided I should drop this three jams on you and then give you a niblet of a classic TPG story to explain them.

1. Hunters & Runners "Floria"- Comes from my pals from Syracuse University. When I think of this band I think of my love of the flick "Conan The Barbarian" starring none other than the current Governor of California. In particular two members of the band and I would frequently quote the line "two snakes, coming together, as one" or in Ahnuld speak "twoo snaewkes cawming togetha (fists coming together motion) as wan."
The band is based out of Brookyln, New York. You can check out their myspace here .

2. Lightning Bug "Airborne Bear"- Ahhhh, the sweet sounds of songs about flying animals. This band hailing from the mean streets of Philly has just completed a full length album, it's coming out soon. My good friend is the bassist, and he was the one who recently gave me this crucial bit of life advice.

TPG, you would enjoy movies and TV shows if you didn't analyze their trailers frame by frame.

Yes, great advice, from a great friend, and excellent bassist for a band that kicks out some hard rock, how rock, like granite rock. Check them out here

3. Recommended to me by my brother and his girlfriend, I challenge you not to like this band. According to the bro, brah, this band positively melted faces at the South by Southwest festival in Austin a couple weeks ago. And yes, all of their songs are as good as this one.

Where Art Though, Arnold?

My brother gave me "Conan the Barbarian" as a Christmas gift when I was in 4th grade. He also gave me "Hoosiers", but while that movie is legit, I was more excited about Conan. In that film Arnold slays some serious beasts including but not limited to a James Earl Jones snake monster, evil vampire hookers, and numerous hairy men. In case you were wondering the movie why is the movie is awesome. Watch this clip of Conan describing what is best in life and you'll see what I mean.


Now, Lionsgate is trying to remake this movie. But here is the problem, no one in Hollywood is even close to having the badass action cred to play a hulking barbarian warrior. Can you imagine Seth Rogen holding that sword. George Clooney? John Cena, most of you don't know who that is. And some of you are thinking, what about "The Rock" Dwanye Johnson, come on seriously, the dude's next movie is called "The Tooth Fairy", and yes, he will be wearing a tutu.

Which brings me to the final point. Arnold needs to get out of this political gig and get back into doing what he does best. This includes, but is not limited to the following.

1. Killing intergalactic bounty hunters
2. Fighting liquid metal robots from the future
3. Getting pregnant
4. Engaging in a mortal fight to the death with the devil
5. Saving Kindergartners

Arnold come back, we need you.