Arnold Returns To Conan (With King-Sized Expectations)

At the final scene of John Milius's epic "Conan The Barbarian," Conan aka Arnold aka The Barbarian aka The Destroyer sits on his throne surrounded by glowing red mist, decked out in shiny armor and the latest fur fashions of the Hyborian time, thinking about all the enemies he's crushed, all the people that his armies drove before him, and all the lamentation he's heard (yes in that order.) This scene assures us that Conan lived a good life and became a king, aka the biggest boss of all bosses. It's a comforting ending to a brutal movie.

But we all know that Conan can't sit on a throne forever, there are always camels to punch, snakes that need to come together, and Crom to be praised to/scorned. So today we get the announcement that Arnold will reprise the role of King Conan in a new film coming out in 2014. We will finally learn just what happened when the red smoke cleared.

Gotta say I'm pretty excited about this, Conan is straight up a wild ass movie fulls of tons of Arnoldisms, gore, sex, battles, and James Earl Jones turning into a snake. If this sequel is Rated R* and snags a great director* we could be in for a awesome cinematic treat that delivers on the epic promise of  King Conan. So, yeah, at this point I'm extraordinarily thrilled about the announcement and the premise.

*It's being targeted as a tentpole release for Universal so who knows if it will be rated R
**Getting the right director is essential here. My vote would be for Ridley Scott, Alfonso Cuaron, or Darren Aronosfky.

Jason Statham Needs To Fight More Monsters

Some of my most dedicated readers have been getting on my case about why I'm not pumped for "The Killer Elite." By all account I should be excited for it, I mean it's got cars, babes, explosions, guns, and fighting, that's kind of like my peanut butter and jelly, so what gives? Honestly, it's Jason Statham. I am a fan of Statham but I don't really feel the need to see his movies. How does that work?

Simply put, he's been doing the same thing for to long. I honestly can't tell the difference between "Blitz," "The Mechanic," and "Killer Elite" because they all feature him beating the shit out of dudes while he he wears dark colored clothes. That's a rule, he can only wear dark clothes. But seriously, what is he lacking, how come I'm not 100% on the train?

It's cause he's not fighting monsters or boxing.

Whaaa? Fighting monsters, c'mon son! I'm serious, look at Arnold. His first big movies had him playing a cyborg killer machine, chopping up giant snakes, and fighting intergalactic bounty hunting aliens. That's how you prove you're a badass, you take it to the next dimension, not the next level.

But what about Stallone? Stallone thinks Statham is the next great action star, this is a fact (Stallone once told me this himself) but while Stallone hasn't slayed as many monsters as Arnie, he's got his own genre: the boxing film. Stallone made many of them (perhaps you know this) and Statham should as well. It makes the audience see you as more as an underdog of the working class, instead of a top dog of the assassin with an accent class.

Of course, there's one thing that I know you all are thinking: "The Expendables!" Yeah. Whether it's the ridiculous basketball fight or the fact that he has the most kills, Statham owns that movie. However, he does have a legendary cast with him that provides some type of cool action multiplier (this happened to Arnold in Predator FYI). "Killer Elite" on the other hand has him paired up with De Niro, who I see as serious thespian, and with Clive Owen, who is cool, but has always been afraid to go full badass.

So basically, Statham just needs to switch it up a little bit. And based off this article he should star in a movie with a plot line something like this:

The US Olympic boxing team is recruited and trained by the US Government to to protect earth from an invading alien force.


Sign me up for that.

Who is your Daddy and what does he do

Arnold Goes Meta The Governator (Now With Trailer)!

He always said that' he'd be back, and now he kind of is. This week's Entertainment Weekly has the scoop about Arnold's future. One of the first things revealed is Arnold's new animated series and comic called "The Governator." Supervised and produced by Stan Lee, the series will focus on Arnold post government career as a crime fighter with different power suits who battles G.I.R.L.I.E men. In case you wanted to know GIRLIE men stands for: Gangsters Imposters Racketeers Liars & Irredeemable Ex-cons. No word yet if feminists are pissed.


There is more on the series over at Entertainment Weekly, but the big news here is actually pretty interesting. Arnold is essentially going meta. The Governator persona is him, his family is in the comics and the show, the fact that he used to be Governor is a major plot point. Arnold is now playing himself on creative steroids which is crazy because he made a name for himself by using physical steroids!


Stay tuned tomorrow as I break down potential cameos in this new Arnold Universe!

TPG Meets Arnold

If "The Rocketeer" was my family friendly introduction to the genre, "Commando" was the exploding birthday cake I received to welcome me to the action movie big leagues. I caught the film at my aunts house when it was broadcast on cable, and I literally remember it like it was yesterday. Why is it so vivid? It was the day I was introduced to Arnold.

Is there anybody more badass than Arnold? While I admire the real life Arnold, the fictional Arnold on the screen in "Commando" and other films is one of, or they greatest action star ever. In "Commando" all he does is waste bad guys and drop one liners. Ahhh the one liner, such an important piece of action cinema. Arnold has more one liners than anyone else in Cinema, and "Commando" has a bulk of them.

The plot is simple. Arnold plays John Matrix, ex-commando, everlasting tough guy, and loving father to Alyssa Milano. Bad guys take Alyssa, Arnold goes after bad guys. The entire movie is just the following formula over and awesomely over again.

Arnold Meets Bad Guy + Arnold Wastes Bad Guy = One Liner

Sure that formula isn't going to win any Oscars but when it comes to satisfying the viewers, it's pretty hard to beat.

MIND MELT ALERT: Nolan & Arnold Team Up

Today is the birthday or Arnold, aka the greatest movie star ever. Today also marks the date of birth of the wise cinematic dreamer known as Christopher Nolan. So one can only think, if these two were to team up to make a film. What would it be about?  Here is my idea and the thoughts, dreams, and hopes of many. Enjoy!


THISLALIFE - Arnold would be an old factory worker who was one day away from finally retiring. On his last day of work, he would learn that the factory he thought was making parts for automobiles, was actually making parts for a machine that would destroy the world. Arnold, who always knows what's just and true, would have no choice but to take down the corporation and save the planet.


IM NEVER GETTING MARRIED - After marrying Maria Shriver, Arnold is sent back in time to save JFK. Together with Ted Kennedy, Arnold must save JFK, thus creating a better world for all, a world where one day he could grow up to be President. It would be "True Lies" meets "24" meets "Terminator" meets "Memento."


CINEMANIC CHRONICLES - I don't care because the chances of me actually going to see it would be  slim.


EVAN BREGMAN - A retired politician goes back in time to save the world from the one key mistake he made during his time in office...but doesn't realize the ramifications of changing the past are worse than he could ever imagine


PURSUIT OF SHOES - "Hahaha, I have no idea"


NICHOLAS J ROBINSON  - Arnold plays Adam, the lead in BEGINNING, a twisted retelling of the story of Adam and Eve. Creatures from hell, temptations before there were such a thing, and a journey to begin mankind


LITTLE RIZZ - "I don't know but it would be some dark shit."


JONNY UMANSKY - In honor of it's 10 year anniversary, Nolan remakes Memento with Arnie starring in the Leonard role.  Other key changes will include, but are not limited to:  Danny DeVito in the role of Teddy.  Jamie Lee Curtis in the of Natalie.  And "Remember Sammy Jenkis" will be replaced with "Remember John Connor.


JOEFRANCISG - A Much more elaborate version of Last Action Hero


JAY JUDAH - An old soldier, long since retired from the field -- a desk jockey -- is selected for a virtual reality program to test and train the human mind for the horrors of battle. When he enters the virtual world, however, things are not as they seem - as per trope, the rules of mind games are easily broken - and he must find a way to dispatch his pursuers and escape with his sanity intact. Effectively, it's Tron meets Inception with a dash of Battle Royale and The Matrix to taste -- your mind is the scene of the all-out death match


KOSHER D - An alien force attacks the US and the people turn to their leaders for help, Arnold leads the charge


LIFTING FOG - Arnold plays a retired, extremely successful venture capitalist. He realizes that unknown entities have been slowly stealing money from his accounts. He goes on an international tour de force to track down the thieves. In the end, it is his younger brother who has been masterminding it as a way to divert funds to cancer research to save his dying wife. Arnold must chose: life of ultimate power/wealth that he has grown accustomed to or renounce his old ways and save wife of long lost brother. Pressure from all sides to stop brother, namely the pharmaceutical companies who must not let the cure to cancer be achieved by a non profiting foundation.




Which one would you want to see? And check back for updates!

Dear Arnold,

Dear Arnold,

It is now clear that the remakers cannot be stopped. You know this breed of people, lacking in creativity, they seek to remake what once was sacred. And today is the day that the remakers made their first real power move. They want to remake, wait, it sounds like they will remake "Total Recall," with Len "Underwold" Wiseman set to direct.

Arnold, oh Arnold, where art thou Arnold. It is clear now that the world needs you more than ever. I sincerely hope that you return to the screen and regulate on everyone who is remaking the films that made you a guy who's poster hangs in every high school weight room with the slogan "Ain't got time to bleed."

Arnold, just come back the screen, even if it means, playing Dad Arnold to Arnold in a live action remake of the Nickelodeon show. I mean, come on, you can squeeze in some action there, you can help him solve school problems through ass kicking. I'm in. You could even make a sequel to "Junior," but I'd prefer a sequel to "True Lies," which just might happen....

Hasta La Vista (I had to)

-TPG

Imagine Arnold in This (Michael Cera could play Arnold)

New Trailer For Expendables WITH ARNOLD AND BRUCE!

ARNOLD! BRUCE! SLY! WHOAHHHHHHHHH

Arnold in the Predator Sequel

While Arnold's first responsibility is slaying the demonic beast known as the California budget crisis, he has not forgotten about another beast, this one an intergalactic bounty hunter. In rumors flying around the web this week, some people are saying that Arnold will return in Robert Rodriguez's new Predator film. This was original scoop at Moviehole.com

"“Robert’s camp has just reached out to Arnie’s [camp]”, we were informed. “But they haven’t had a response yet”.

While the rumor was recently completely debunked, it still was face melting and mind fryinginly cool. Now I'm still all nostalgic about "Predator" and how it is THE MOST MACHO FILM EVER MADE. Seriously, lines from the film include the classics "If it bleeds we can kill it" and "I aint got time to bleed."

So they got a blood thing going on, maybe Arnold will appear in the new Twilight flick. Either way, just a rumor, a mere side-step in the cinematic world regarding Arnold and the action movie pantheon got me all jacked up. I mean there's a reason why the crowd went wild when he showed in Terminator.......He's Arnold, the one and only.

Free Games :: Myspace Layouts

Taking The Steven Seagal Plunge

I woke up today I realized that I have not seen more than two Steven Seagal movies. I've seen "Under Siege" and one of the many movies he did with DMX, but after that, nothing. And you know what, this bothers me.

Granted, Seagal has a reality TV show, sings blue music, and sells energy drinks, he still was an action icon of badassery on par with Stallone, Van Damme, and Ahnuld.

So I've decided to bump all those Seagal movies to the top of the netflix que, and get serious about this forgotten action star. Yeah, I will say he is forgotten because this dude hasn't a big screen flick in years. For a man that once took out a bunch of evil Spanish dudes with a machete, he's gotta get back on that silver screen.

So, I guess I'm taking the plunge into a world of Seagal. I'll report back with my findings, hopefully they will make me forget those flicks with the X Man.

Update: Check out the trailer for his new flick:

Where Art Though, Arnold?

My brother gave me "Conan the Barbarian" as a Christmas gift when I was in 4th grade. He also gave me "Hoosiers", but while that movie is legit, I was more excited about Conan. In that film Arnold slays some serious beasts including but not limited to a James Earl Jones snake monster, evil vampire hookers, and numerous hairy men. In case you were wondering the movie why is the movie is awesome. Watch this clip of Conan describing what is best in life and you'll see what I mean.


Now, Lionsgate is trying to remake this movie. But here is the problem, no one in Hollywood is even close to having the badass action cred to play a hulking barbarian warrior. Can you imagine Seth Rogen holding that sword. George Clooney? John Cena, most of you don't know who that is. And some of you are thinking, what about "The Rock" Dwanye Johnson, come on seriously, the dude's next movie is called "The Tooth Fairy", and yes, he will be wearing a tutu.

Which brings me to the final point. Arnold needs to get out of this political gig and get back into doing what he does best. This includes, but is not limited to the following.

1. Killing intergalactic bounty hunters
2. Fighting liquid metal robots from the future
3. Getting pregnant
4. Engaging in a mortal fight to the death with the devil
5. Saving Kindergartners

Arnold come back, we need you.