The 10 Positions Steve Jobs Could Be Moving Onto

Let me be clear, I love Apple. The iphone, ibook, ipad, and appletv (dayum when did I end up with all of those) are great and make my life easier and better. So while it's "sad" that Steve Jobs is no longer the bossman, here are ten jobs that he could potentially fill.

1. See above, clearly the top of the Jedi Council. I'm talking the Yoda positon, even though with his long ass turtle ass neck and bald dome he does kind of loook like Ki-Adi-Mundi. If you're not like Perlin or Rizzla and don't have ample ammount of Star Wars knowledge, check out this link.

2. Considering the Earthquake in the northeast is just a recent sign of the coming apocalypse, one must hope that Jobs left Apple to focus on saving us from whatever is coming in 2012 (unless of course Apple will become Skynet in 2012, then we are all screwed)

3. Joining the Avengers or The Justice League or joining one and then buying the other one to destroy the competition

4. High ranking tech/leadership position on the Council of Elrond.

5. He could run for President, that's all I'm saying.

6. Considering this photo from extremely *trustworthy* site Kiwileaks this photo shows that Jobs has been reverse engineering alien technology for years.  Now that the Ipad 2 is out and snow crash is imminent, he needs more tech so is becoming Luke/The Last Starfighter/Ender/Sheppard to travel the galaxy looking for alien tech.

7. Something to do with Transformers but I can't come up with a good story, all I can think about is 3D explosions and fighting.

8. Finally going back into Tron to rescue The Dude/Flynn and also go play secret DJ sets with Daft Punk at the End of the Line club

9. He's teaming up with Caesar the ape...no?

10. God (shitttt brahhhhhhhhh)

Where Are They Now With The Transformers

1. Optimus-  Optimus Prime (LINK IS A MUST CLICK) put down his dual battle swords and entered into a different type of brawl: United States Politics. He has been a fierce a noble lobbyist for the auto industry and every war that is for oil, because he doesn't believe in alternative energy, cause that's for hippies.

2. Bumble Bee- After only speaking through music, Optimus and the other autobots told him to leave. He now can be see on tour with Linkin Park

3. Megatron- After getting work by the Autobots twice, he has decided on a new career, competitive Rubiks Cube Conventions (note this is real, the dude next to me at Comic Con told me all about it)

4. Ironhide- Currently sitting in the harbor in Boston, oh, wait that's old Ironsides, sorry Ironhide, you must get it all the time.....zing!

5. Mudflap and Skids- With Orci and Kurtzman officially not writing the new Transformers, these two robots who "can't read" are writing the sequel. No one cares.

Does this man name the hurricanes?

Today marks the first official day of Hurricane season 2009. And while hurricanes are no joke, I do find the naming process for them to be fascinating. Here is how I believe they name the hurricanes.

1. In the offices of the National Weather Service, there is a mysterious floor not listed on the elevator. You can only get there by taking a stair case hidden behind the Tornado guy's desk. Upon reaching the floor, the hurricane naming oracle will give you a name, this is what the oracle looks like.

2. They take the name of the first born son of the oldest intern in the office and work their way up.

3. Every year on the June first, the employees engage in a massive game of scrabble, and the most adept wordsman is crowned the king of the naming.

4. They take the names from the summer's movies. If this is true I hope they make to "O" so we can have hurricane Optimus.

5. Jay Judah names them. You can read about his naming skills at www.jayjudah.com

How Does The Recession Impact Celebrity Culture

The economy of the United States (and the world) is metaphorically being attacked by robots, aliens, zombies, giant bugs, dinosaurs, giant mutant sharks, vampires, werewolves, and well you get the picture. The reality is that the undoing of our economy is our own fault. We allowed for things to move along without any regulation, and here we are.

So what is the effect on our celebrity culture? None really. In these tough times, it may just add to the scope of it. I feel like people are looking to the make-believe (like Megan Fox, Transformers babe above) as an escape from their real and difficult lives. Evidence of this is the massive box office for 2009. We view celebrities as almost untouchable princes and princesses. Their lives are like windows into a dream world that we wish we could live. Of course the flip side is that we are wickedly happy when they go off the rails. It makes us feel better about our own difficult personal lives .

So far we haven't seen Brad Pitt looking for work on the corner or struggling over his budget. Once that happens, things will be real crazy and we'll need a whole new set of metaphors.

Obama Can Save Us If The Aliens Ever Attack

While watching the extremely moving Inauguration ceremonies yesterday, I could hardly think about anything except how amazing the whole day was. The crowds were bigger than anything I had ever seen and the whole thing just seemed so damn majestic. It occurred to me that Life for once has delivered something so moving and spectacular that it couldn't be captured on film. That whole plane landing in the Hudson, amazing, yes, but it was too Hollywood. But Obama, giving the speech of a lifetime in front of 2 million people, Hollywood can't deliver emotions like that.

But after it faded and I was at home snacking on some peanut butter cups watching Transformers, it occurred to me. If Aliens were to ever attack our planet (aka The USA, cause Aliens never attack anywhere else), Obama would be the guy I would want to deliver the speech about getting off your ass and fighting the intergalatic menace. Why this crazy thought occured to me is beyond me. Maybe that's what happens when you're living thislalife.

Cheeky Bulls, Rovers, and Ladies: Welcome to Australia

Grandmas are the primary audience for the new film "Australia." For it is a film so old fashioned, so romantic, and so epic it would fit in in the giant epics of the past. Oh I did I mention that it's a great ride.

A great ride, that's my primary goal when going to a movie like this. Sure I like this super emotional, super heady, super oh-man-that-was-so-depressing-I-can't-eat-a-sandwhich-without-crying emotional (this is what happens when I see any Clint Eastwood directed film).

Yet Australia is about as non-depressing as you can get. It's pure popcorn, it's popcorn covered in so much butter the bag is greasy goodness. It is non-stop traditional moviemaking and storytelling. Heroic cowboys, fish-out-of-water scenarios with beautiful ladies, sweeping vistas, nefarious villains, and adorable kids. Everyone has a happy ending (except the bad guys of course).

Too often we think of "ride" or entertaining movies as movies where robots engage in battle royales, superheros shoot white stuff out their hands, or landmarks get destroyed. Australia is that ride movie, however it's just rolls along like a cattle stampede, yet instead of a cattle stampede, it's more a old fashioned Grandma stampede. And they're all rolling to theatre.