Turn off your mind and enjoy Transformers

"Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" is a horrible experience of unbearable length"

-Roger Ebert, June 23rd 2009

Roger Ebert is either a boring old coot or a decipticon because the new "Transformers" flick delivers on every level that you would want it to. Before I lose all my credibility, I will get clear the air with these simple facts. The film has barely any plot. The film has no real characters. The film is predictable. The film is one giant special effect. The film is one giant military ad. AND.....wait for it.......WHO CARES!!! The film is full of robots, cheap (but funny laughs), and explosions, and more robots.

I find it almost funny that people actually seriously try to review this movie. Megan Fox herself said the film is not about acting, but rather the adventure. Props to Michael Bay for taking the problems of the first film and fixing them. There are now are four primary robots (Prime, Bumblebee, Starscream, and Megatron) instead a large posse from the first. Bay also does not take any character seriously. Fox exists to look hot (endless slo-mow cleavage shots will drive this home), Shia is there to be funny, and everyone else is over the top. The only serious character in the whole film is Agent Pierce from 24, and he's in the glorious COM center the whole time.

At the end of the day, this is top of the line summer movie making. Plently of things blow up, the special effects are amazing, and the pace never slows. Megan Fox is insanely hot, the milatary dudes have big guns and huge muscles, and the Robots, they're loud, rude, and powerful. As for Mr. Ebert, someone tell the guy to relax, get a large coke, and inhale some popcorn. It's the summer, enjoy it.

Heading back East for a week with friends and family. I'll be back on the 28th, bigger, stronger, faster, and fiercer than ever.

Battle of the JB's: Bourne, Bauer, Bond

I have seen "Year One" and it is not funny. So let me drop a classic question on you.

1. Who's winning in a fight? Jack Bauer, Jason Bourne, or James Bond (The Daniel Craig Bond)

Jason Bourne is the clear victor here, he is a killing machine, witness him choking out that dude in a Morocco bathroom if you have any doubts. But in the end, it all comes down to the emotions. Bourne is emotionless. Jack and James they are torn up over their ex lovers. I mean Jack cried at the end of a season and Bond spent an entire movie chasing down the girl's killer, keep in mind this is after he was betrayed by her!

You also gotta realize that Jack and James kill with firearms, while Bourne does not. This is not because he doesn't know how, it's because a gun in his hand is an cop-out. It's like bringing a pencil with the multiplication tables written on it to the time table test in fourth grade, it's weak sauce, you just don't need it.

Bruno:The Most Important Movie Of The Summer

In a sea of starships, X-Men, and giant robots, Bruno, a cartoon in himself stands out as the most important fictional character of the summer (sorry Optimus). The reason for this is that the current state of gay rights in the country is at a tipping point, and the Austian fashionista could ultimately decide which way it goes.

Recently an article in The New York Times questioned if the films satire of homosexuality will reinforce stereotypes instead of lampooning them. Members of the LGBT community expressed their concern with the film, saying they fear it may do more harm then good. People are gearing up for the film and it's roughly a month away.

The civil rights facing the LGBT community are pressing, and this film could be more controversial than "Borat". For example, Cohen's last film "Borat" featured a character so foreign it was easy to laugh at him. Not many people know hairy, ping pong playing men from Kazakhstan who live with a cow in their house. But most people do know someone from the LGBT community. In other words, this is a character more familiar, and therefore he carries more importance for community he represents. Sorry to all the Kazak's out there if I'm putting you down for not being important.

I haven't seen "Bruno" yet, and I'm not making any proclamations if it's offensive, responsible, or whatever, I'm just saying the stakes are high (and I expect to laugh my ass off).

If Obama is Mr. Miyagi?

Does that makes us all karate kids?

Great White Shark Attacks LA

Out the door, down the elevator, through the glass doors of my building there is a shark. He lives on the circuit control for the intersection of Pico and South Beverly drive. And apparently he lives all over the place not just in LA, but in other cities as well.

I never made of much of it, until my friend pointed out that he had seen the shark as well and directed me towards this website.

What I initially thought was just well placed graffiti is actually, well, um, a well placed, perfectly designed statement about treatment of Great White Sharks around the globe. According to the site

"The global great white population has shrunk 70 percent in the past 50 years.”

The shark above is called "White Mike" and his appearance all over the country is actually the group's way of raising awareness. You can check their website right here and report sightings of the shark. And don't worry he's appearing even far away from the oceans. Check where I found him below.

Thislalife: Pitchest

This past weekend I went to went to an event called a "Hollywood Pitch Festival." Basically people from the around the world come to a cavernous hotel function room here in lala land and proceed to pitch their movies to studio execs, managers, agents, and independent producers. I was there representing the company that I work for, so in other words, I was being pitched to (so does that make me a hitter?)

It would be easy to write off the strange pitches that I received. Some of them were disturbingly violent, some where a little too autobiographical, and some were just flat out strange. More often than not someone had a great idea and then rapidly distilled it with all sorts of crazy nonsense. These usually included mobsters, for some reason the mobsters always show-up, regardless of the genre. It's if a romantic comedy, someone has an uncle named Tony who's cousin knows a guy who needs money. If it's a musical, some mobster has a hidden tap dancing talent he can't tell the other wise guys (hey that's not a bad movie!)

However if there was one thing about the surreal nature of the event that shines through; it is the hope that all these writers have. Some of them came across the amber waves of grain, some even over the oceans to have the chance to share their ideas. That is dedication to their craft and their dream, and in the days where hope is audicious, the dream they have is something that no one can defuse....Even if it does involve zombies attacking a bread factory that is run by mobsters who enlist a crack team of commandos who also happen to have fish for eyballs and be physically controlled by a Turkish gangster named Wise Larry.

Relfecting on Travolta: Face/Off

In honor of "The Taking of Pelham 123", I want to take this time to reflect on the genius of a film that is "Face/Off." I've seen it about 20 times, and yes, 18 of those times was when I was 15 years old and watching it on VHS. This was a film made by John Woo at the height of his powers. If you haven't seen it, you owe to yourself to check it out.

Appreciate the Simple Pleasures: PB & J

Here's to you Peanut Butter and Jelly, yeah, sometimes I call you PP & J, which is just plain strange when you think about it. Oh you great sandwich, that is not only cheap to create, but a true delight for even the most sophisticated palette.

Speaking of palette's, you are one of the few, the chosen, foods that can not be gourmetizied. And I know that's not a word, but there isn't no five star joint serving up peanut butter and jellys with sourdough bread and organic hand picked peanuts combined with jelly from grapes created by old men named Jacob and Jeremiah in vineyards where the sun sets brilliantly each night.

You're just a simple pleasure. Tasty, cheap, and smooth (or crunchy if you roll like that.) In fact you are so spectacular you are worthy of this clip.

Arnold in the Predator Sequel

While Arnold's first responsibility is slaying the demonic beast known as the California budget crisis, he has not forgotten about another beast, this one an intergalactic bounty hunter. In rumors flying around the web this week, some people are saying that Arnold will return in Robert Rodriguez's new Predator film. This was original scoop at Moviehole.com

"“Robert’s camp has just reached out to Arnie’s [camp]”, we were informed. “But they haven’t had a response yet”.

While the rumor was recently completely debunked, it still was face melting and mind fryinginly cool. Now I'm still all nostalgic about "Predator" and how it is THE MOST MACHO FILM EVER MADE. Seriously, lines from the film include the classics "If it bleeds we can kill it" and "I aint got time to bleed."

So they got a blood thing going on, maybe Arnold will appear in the new Twilight flick. Either way, just a rumor, a mere side-step in the cinematic world regarding Arnold and the action movie pantheon got me all jacked up. I mean there's a reason why the crowd went wild when he showed in Terminator.......He's Arnold, the one and only.

Free Games :: Myspace Layouts

Colbert Goes to Iraq

"The Colbert Report" came at millions of viewers last night in a burst of shock comedy and just plain awe. After a funny sequence involving him getting tranquilized with a dart (always cool when that happens) Stephen finally woke up in Baghdad. He proceeded to do a show from Baghdad in which was the most the exquisite private contractor made bunker or the remnants of an old Saddam mansion.

The show taped with the participation of the USO saw Colbert in camouflage suit doing his usual shtick. Some people are making a big deal that he "declared victory," but there is a difference in having a comedian declare victory and 50 year old fighter pilot, I mean, President.

Speaking of Presidents, the Big O meng himself made a taped appearance. In a funny bit Colbert asked him if his spy satellite was that good he could hear in in Iraq. Obama responded he just a really big ears. The commander in chief then proceeded to order Colbert's head shaved to military standards, the General on stage followed orders.

I guess if anything, the fact that a popular late night show can tape a week in Baghdad is a sign of things changing for the country. Three years ago this idea would have been scene as tomfoolery (great word, huh?), but progress is real (or things haven't changed that much and Colbert has gigantic cojones). Either way, it's definetly worth tuning in to see this week. My only hope is that he goes out and talks to some real Iraqis.

Review: The Hangover (A Classic?)

"Classic misunderstanding" says Alan Garner, portrayed by the very funny Zach Galifianakis in the new film "The Hangover." And while time will tell if "The Hangover" is a comedy classic, it certainly is a hilarious R-Rated comedy for the all the bros out there who in the words of the movie "do dumb shit when they're fucked up." So job well done.

In terms of the story, the time flipping narrative script is stronger than a punch from Mike Tyson, who makes a cameo that is way more bizarre than he is in the preview. There are some potholes in the script, but the comedic performances from the three leads are strong enough to keep you laughing right over them. And with the three leads doing great, the film also benefits from some great supporting characters including Ken Jeong, who seems to be everywhere these days.

It's tough to make a lights out comedy. Each laugh needs to be timed correctly, the story has to be kind of there and the stars need to be able to deliver. "The Hangover" is mind melting in it's hilarity, but I will say that is certainly delivers on warming the brain (and the heart?, no just kidding) a little bit. It's funny, raunchy, and unlike the situation facing the characters of the film, actually something that people will remember.

Movie Fakiew (Fake Review): My Life In Ruins

After a very long pre-game session of watching "Clash of the Titans" and pounding some beyahs, I caught this flick at midnight last night. Let's just say it was not what I was expecting. It's a story about some Greek teenagers that take a trip to Costa Rica with The Beatles and Lil Wayne. Right off the bat I was struck by the wild setting of this movie. The Ruins from the title really pop off the screen, whoever shot must have been using a super high tech camera because Wow, my eyes hurt from the color assault that was inflicted on them.

But let's talk about everything that happens in this flick. The Greek teenagers, Lil Weezie, and the Fab Four get attacked by a whole bunch of supposedly evil natives and find themselves trapped on the Ruins. So literally their lives are hanging in the balance of these ruins, they are psychologically in ruins, I haven't even gotten to evil that lurks in the ruins itself.

I don't recommend this flick. Instead I suggest going to find some ruins yourself or perhaps creating some out of Duplo.

Final Destination Four TRailer

The Final Destination trailer in HD

If you see this opening night in a packed house, this will be the most fun you have at the movies all summer. This is my prediction and I'm sticking to it.

Star Wars next for a reboot?

It's been four years since a live action "Star Wars" came out, and I'm starting to wonder if a reboot is on the horizon. As I mentioned in a previous post, reboots are all the rage right now, and George Lucas who his cheddar (is he a mouse?). But when you think about the newer Star Wars films (episodes 1-3) are technically reboots themselves because they tell the origin of the series most Iconic character: Darth Vader.

If I was doing the Star Wars reboot I would focus on one character and one character alone, the one and only Han "Don't tell me the Odds" Solo. Picture a young solo, played by someone along the lines of Chris Pine (who cares if he is the face of another franchise) traveling around the Star Wars galaxy tearing shit up. He could technically interact with younger versions of established characters, I'm calling it hear now, 50 Cent or Donald Faison (wink) could play a young Lando.

As for the villain, if they created a horned demon with red face paint for Episode 1, they can come up with someone else. May I suggest a three sided lightsaber to really raise the stakes. And if any of you folks over at Lucasfilm are reading this, remember you heard about on thislalife first.

Review: Moon (Space Odyssey?)

Space is a lonely place. Besides being a conveniently rhyming lead in sentence, it's a fact that isn't always thought about when discussing the world (wayyy) up above us. Amongst the stars, it's just you, some satellites, some buddies if you're lucky, and a huge earth looming out the window reminding you that you're missing the summer movie season back home.

The new film "Moon" from director Duncan Jones deals with a astronaut/miner Sam Bell (Sam Rockwell) who has been on the moon (now an energy mining station) for three years. As his stint on the giant rock (or it is made of cheese) comes to a close he starts to lose his mind. He wakes up after an accident to find what looks to be his clone walking around. That's all I'm saying, don't worry, it's not zany, and it does have a very satisfying ending.

Besides Sam Rockwell's muted yet impressive performance, Moon shines fully on a technical level. With a small budget the film pulls of numerous technical feats. Whether it is the imagery of space module crawling on the barren surface (which totally reflects Bell's barren mind brah) or just seeing two Rockwell's on screen at once, the film is astounding. It has a slow almost hypnotic pace to it, which I enjoyed. Check it out, don't expect a wild summer movie thrill ride, but do expect to have your mind gently blasted out of the atmosphere to the moon. Speaking of the moon, peep this classic moon-related sequence below.

Is Microsoft Natal the Real Deal

Yesterday Microsoft revealed it's new technology for the XBOX 360 called Natal. Natal in some languages means birth, but for Microsoft I think it just means "Ahhhhh jeshushhhh, Billy, we mhusht catch uppp to da Weeeeee some howww." Either way the video presentation is pretty effective and definitely has me interested to see how successful this new technology could be.

Steve Spielberg introduced the technology at E3 and said "The gamer in me went out of my mind." So I guess if the man himself is saying that it's blowing his mind, it must be cool. The main question I have about this technology is not how exactly it works, I'm sure in time it will work almost perfectly, but rather HOW WILL IT APPLY TO M-RATED GAMES.

In the video we see families driving around, oh look, the father is bolting on the tires to car, how cute. But the biggest franchise in gaming at the moment both commercially and critically is Grand Theft Auto, and I don't know if that father wants little Junior, virtually beating up hookers and running over cops in a Ferrari. I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. Until then, I'm content chainsawing ground dwelling demons from a stationary position on my couch.

Does this man name the hurricanes?

Today marks the first official day of Hurricane season 2009. And while hurricanes are no joke, I do find the naming process for them to be fascinating. Here is how I believe they name the hurricanes.

1. In the offices of the National Weather Service, there is a mysterious floor not listed on the elevator. You can only get there by taking a stair case hidden behind the Tornado guy's desk. Upon reaching the floor, the hurricane naming oracle will give you a name, this is what the oracle looks like.

2. They take the name of the first born son of the oldest intern in the office and work their way up.

3. Every year on the June first, the employees engage in a massive game of scrabble, and the most adept wordsman is crowned the king of the naming.

4. They take the names from the summer's movies. If this is true I hope they make to "O" so we can have hurricane Optimus.

5. Jay Judah names them. You can read about his naming skills at www.jayjudah.com

UP Review: The Spirit of Adventure

At any point in life, people often have the opportunity for the fantastic. "Up" is a film about embracing that moment, no matter your age. If there is one buzzword about UP, it is "Adventure." Fitting that that a film featuring such a grand adventure, would prove to be such a massive ride through the joys the cinema can provide. This is a film that is tremendously emotional, hilariously funny, and full of action thrills.

While other PIXAR films have some great laughs sprinkled throughout the story, "Up" is a full on comedy. While it's hard for me to explain many of the laughs without ruining the story, the film was so hilarious that when I was walking out I realized that the bar set for "The Hangover," "Funny People," and "Bruno" had now been set very high. Also thrown into the comedy package is some pouding action. The duel through the clouds that caps off the end of the film is a masterpiece of animation direction that is as much thrilling as it is visually stunning.

I can't say anything to explain how emotional this film is. It's like PIXAR took the entire sequence from the end of Ratatouille, combined with the the Space Dance from "WALL-E", and threw a couple doses of "You've got a friend in me." From the allusions to the crushing loss that Carl and his wife Ellie suffer as a young couple (yes they go there), to the troubled family life of the young boy Russell, and even the longings of the antagonist (who I won't reveal), this movie floors you over and over again, and then lifts the spirits, where, you guessed it, up. Much credit is due to composer Michael Giacchino for creating an original motiff that plays in these crucial scenes.

I am not ready to say that "Up" is better than "Ratatouille", but I'm getting there. It is by far the best film I have seen this summer and the best film I have seen this year. There are so many levels to it. It is as much a film about aging as it as about adventure. It's laugh out loud funny. It has thrilling action (even a great OHHH SHIITTT moment) And like all good films it reminds you of the magic of movies.

Batman and Hollywood's Obsession with the Reboot

When "Batman Begins" came out in 2005, people were a little confused if it was a sequel. And while it clear in the title, that this Batman was something new, the concept of a do-over for such an established franchise was un-heard of at the time. My, have times changed.

Since "Batman" we have seen massive franchises resurrected: James Bond and Star Trek all got the reboot treatment. Now comes word that studios want to kick-start the "Alien", "Predator", "Ghostbusters," and "Robocop" franchises again, all with reboots. Hell even "The Fantastic Four" which is a new franchise is getting the reboot treatment.

Besides the opportunity for huge money and fresh faces, I think part of the trend of the re-boots has to deal with America's love of second chances. Everyone loves a comeback. People want to see Lebron James come back from being down 3-1. They were thrilled when Mickey Rourke returned with vigor in "The Wrestler." More recently the Syracuse Lacrosse team won the national championship on a comeback. So here's to the reboot, and thanks Batman.

Looking Back to Look "Up": Ratatouille

In anticipation of "Up," I will be discussing PIXAR films this week.

"Ratatouille" is my favorite of all the PIXAR films. With it's huge library of consistently amazing movies, the choice should have been a hard one, but for me, it was super easy. Easier than choosing if "Die Hard with a Vengeance" over "Die Hard" or "Spiderman 2" above "X2." The story of Remy the rat is the superior PIXAR film because not only does it have strong characters, a great story, and delicious ending, but it was the film that brought PIXAR into the stratosphere of cinematic greatness.

From a technical standpoint every PIXAR film up to the Parisian masterpiece was just a warm up. The "Toy Story & A Bug's Life" established the groundwork, "Monsters Inc" gave us realistic looking fur, "Finding Nemo" dazzling water effects, "Incredibles" fluid human animations, and "Cars" enhanced action effects. All of these elements come to fruition in "Ratatouille," but PIXAR films are never about the technology are they?

"Ratatouille" for me is about companionship. It's about the relationship that Remy has with the other rats who think he's silly cause he wants to eat gourmet delicacies not trash, who call him naive for trusting humans. The film soars on the strength of the relationship of Remy with his human partner Linguini, and although they can't speak to each other, form an amazing friendship. Linguini has a great relationship with Colete, who is the lone woman in the male dominated kitchen. And finally, it's about our, and when I say our, I mean the entire animal kingdom's relationship with food. If there is any doubt about how tantalizing this film is, just peep the clip below which should serve up a reminder.

Attack of the Transforminators

More Videos at IGN.com

Stuff like these I wish I had a wand that could make the movies real.

Terminator Salvation: The Review

"Terminator Salvation" delivers the "OHHHHHH SHITTTTTT" moments that I crave from my summer movies. Yeah it has it's flaws, but when I'm seeing John Connor (Christian Bale) scream at a gigantic Terminator robot scratching his face, I don't worry about little things like...ummm....acting.

Some of the acting is quite good. Bale, Sam Worthington, and especially Anton Yelchin do some great work for a summer movie. However, Common, on the other hand, dude, maybe you were inspired to act poorly because your last CD, the aptly titled "Universal Mind Control" was weak in itself. I'm a fan of Common, but dude can't act.

But what's with all this ACTing talk, what really matters is the ACTION, and boy does the film deliver. There many sequences here that are well directed and just totally badass. I haven't seen a film with this many explosions since, damn, I can't remember, Pearl Harbor?. The price of the gasoline used to create these fireballs probably drove the national gas price up.

After the film ended, I left tremendously satisfied. This is popcorn summer action goodness at it's finest. Sure "Star Trek" is a better all around movie, but "Salvation" delivers better and more "Ohhhh Shit" moments. Oh yeah before I forgot, Arnold does appear, and he rules, and it's not really a cameo. The theatre went bananas when he appeared, which is funny cause he's still the Governor. Guess it's just part of thislalife.

Earthquakes Are Rude

With other nature related events, there is some type of warning. Something along the lines of the following.

That's a huge cloud, I wonder if a Tornado will come out of it and start tossing Cows around.

Wow, it's cold, cloudy, and the weather man told me to expect snow, probably shouldn't drive to Chuck E Cheeses.

But Earthquakes, that's a different story. One minute you're at work in six story building, and the next you are shaking, thinking if this is the big one, you know the one that makes LA into an Island. They don't last that long, but the beating of my heart after does. In thislalife, we've had two earthquakes in three days, both of them in the same spot.

Earthquakes don't ring the doorbell, they chew with their mouths open, and fart in elevators. They're rude. But hey, I guess their just a little part of thislalife.

24 Points About 24: Hours 23 & 24

1. The graphics on the screen in the crisis room are the most intense power point presentation I've ever seen.
2. The bad guys can afford a blue tooth for themselves, but Jack can't find the money for a blue tooth, he's rocking that wired headless, that could get in the way of his terrorist killing abilities.
3. Evil hippies from Glendale are such goofy bros, always hanging out at the airport making jokes, cutting their heads in car doors. WTF?
4. Apparently the bad guys have the ability to get cell phone service anywhere (even in tunnels), if that is Starkwood secret military technology, lemme get some of that!
5. Haven't seen Jack dual wield pistols since Season 1!
6. "Jack Please, another red head, oh god, she even looks me, Jack if you are working with her, I'm right here, why don't you notice me?" says Olivia as she spies the new red-head chick with Jack.
7. I don't know why Agent Pierce even bothers with that sling for his arm, unless it's a cover for the fact that he is totally fine, and is ready to start.....icing......fools.
8. Eight hours ago the white house was the scene of a gigantic battle with General Juma, and now it looks like nothing happened. Maybe Tim's magic phone has the ability to repair a battle scene.
9. The writers have done a good job of really making Olivia Taylor a villain during these past couple of episodes, but she really turned the bitch meter to full throttle during these first 20 minutes.
10. Kim is definitely from the Bauer bloodline, Kim instantly goes for the pen as an improvised weapon.
11. That Airport security guy thought that hiding behind the Styrofoam cup box would be a good deal, should have hid behind the box of ancient medieval shields.
12. That chip uttered a whimper of truth when it was crushed by Olivia Taylor.
13. Jack takes the needle to the throat, and then the surreal dream sequence begins. Audrey Raines is dancing with Marwan as they attend Jack's wedding where George Mason was the best man.
14. Besides Cougar evasion tactics, Kim Bauer obviously learned a couple of things from her father including how to track a suspect and ignore pain when sticking your hand in a fire.
15. I wish they showed us what other mp3's Ethan on that disc. Little Kings of Leon, a tid of In Flames, maybe some Creedence Clearwater, and finally a remix of Justin Timberlake and Madonna's "4 minutes."
16. In one moment, Jack redeems himself from a season of non-exciting kills. A throat slash, a throat rip, and throat strangulation. Shame he couldn't have continued the carpenter trend he started with the screwdriver and used a hammer.
17. Jack uses a back hoe earlier this season and so Tony has to use a fork-lift. This is a trend of escalation that I can hope culminates next season in Jack as Optimus Prime and Tony as Megatron fight to the death.
18. In terms of epic confrotations between Jack and Tony, this little talk in a garage is epic. Kiefer, I tell you, headbutt or not, christmas tree killer or not, this man can act.
19. Will Patton, I don't know if it's the music, the scenery, the set-up, or what, but he is seemed super evil.
20. I love the use of helicopters in 24. That's it point 21, helicopters in 24, great!
21. THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE! There can be one blond: Kim. One black haired chick: Janeane (pains me to say it). One brown haired girl (Chloe). And one red head: Walker. Everyone else just gets smoked by Tony.
22. "If I can save them, I can save myself." Deep, Jack, deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.
23. "Try to make choices you can live with. " Thanks Jack when is your self help book coming out?
24 (A) Is Jack Bauer going to become a muslim next year? If so, I'm readddddy/
24 (B) Glad that President Taylor stays firm in her beliefs and doesn't waiver. Good to have a strong female on the show that isn't a buxom red head.
24 (C) In closing, the most important line for me was Kim Bauer's "I'm not ready to let you go." And you know what, after a satisfying season that completely made up for last season's debacle, I'm not ready to let Jack go either.
24 (D) HE LIVES! SEE YOU BELOW.